Preface
For the most part, guys like to eat, drink beer, get laid, play video games, and somehow incorporate sports into our lives. My guess is that 99% of dudes love at least 3 of those 5 things, meaning we’re about as complicated as a game of Go Fish.
From the time we move out of our parents’ house, we pretty much dedicate the whole of our existence to minimizing work and maximizing play, and naturally, we form bonds with the fellow dudes around us that seek the same thing. It’s a glorious time, filled with plenty of pizza, booze-infested parties, first-person shooters, bong smoke, one-night stands, and more middle-of-the-night shenanigans than we care to remember…
But then shit gets real. Somewhere along the line of our personal quest for endless satisfaction and newfound freedom, we meet a girl who is inexplicably different than the rest. We graduate. We have to get a “real” job and pay real bills. We buy a house. We get married. We have kids. We get old (and most of us get fat). We wonder how we ever got a minivan. Fuck. We still drink beer, and hopefully, we still get laid, but Jesus…we’re lucky to find an hour on the weekend away from chores and errands to watch a football game. We still have buddies and we still have freedom, but neither are the same as they were in “the good old days”. But strangely, none of this is bad; at least, it doesn’t have to be.
Grab a 6-Pack Let’s Talk About is a series of books designed to help guys get through all of that “real shit” with their identities intact. We’re not complicated, remember? It’s normal to have doubts and ask questions about what makes a “good” marriage, what becoming a father really means, should we invest money in IRAs, what does a healthy sex life look like as you age, and so on.
In The First Six Months, our hope is to provide you with a no-bullshit, tell you how it is from one guy to another “guide” about having a baby – something which terrifies men far more than asking a girl to marry you or even making a marriage work. This book is designed to answer all of the common questions or address all of the common fears that men have regarding having a baby in as quick of a way as possible.
So, if you’re finding yourself asking questions like: ‘What is it like to be a Dad?’, ‘How many diapers do you change every day?’, ‘Does having a baby mean less sex?’, ‘How are boys different from girls (aside from the obvious)?’, ‘What are the first few days and weeks like?’, and ‘Does having a baby mean life as you know it is over?’, then this is the book for you.
So grab a sixer of your favorite beer, crack it open, sit back, and let’s talk about the first six months.
“What is it like being a Dad?”
One thing I always love is talking to other parents. What I mean by that is that all of a sudden, that weird acquaintance that you never really talked to before who also has kids says “hi”, and “how are things going?”, and “how’s parent life?” And while your wife and the other parent are exchanging “things are great!” and “I love it!” responses, you’re just standing there in the background thinking: “you’re FUCKING lying!” Plain and simple, those first 3 months of your baby’s life are rough and incredibly challenging, and just know, it’s very normal to feel underqualified, because…well, you are.
Those first 3 months of being a Dad are 24/7. They are unpredictable and require a great deal of patience. They require teamwork, and the best way I can describe it is that those first 3 months, you feel like you are living in a fog. You are constantly tired, you can’t quit, the baby has no snooze button, and it’s normal to wonder: ‘What the hell have I done?’ It is beyond a full-time job for two people (my hat is off to anybody who must do it solely by themselves…like, I have no fucking idea how you could raise a child on your own), and it is legit, the realest thing you will ever have to do.
But don’t worry, it gets better and all those clichés about having a kid being the most rewarding thing ever are true. When you’re in the midst of those first few sleep-deprived, bottle every twenty fucking minutes, poopy-ass diapers every half hour phase, it sucks…it really sucks, but once you get out of the fog, it is unbelievable. The first time you hear your kid laugh, see them crawl, hear their first word, there’s nothing like it. One of the best feelings in the world is walking into the door after a long day of work and hearing your kid scream “DADDY is home!” and run to give you a hug.
So what’s it like being a Dad? At first, it’s the hardest fucking thing you’ve ever done. It’s not “awesome” or “great”. The fog is torture, but once you make it through (and you will!), your life will be different in the best kind of way. And although you’ll get the annoying “how’s parent life” questions, it’s still a journey that will be worth it in the end.
Now, let’s get into what you need to know to get through those first few months…
“How is changing a diaper?”
One of the first questions the guys always ask about is what is it like changing a diaper? Well, I’ll be honest (and most of you are probably in the same boat), before my kid was born, I hadn’t changed a single diaper my entire life. Not one. It was always one of my rules: I’m not wiping anybody else’s ass except my own kin. Which I thought was reasonable.
So, hours after my daughter was born, I got the privilege (as many of you guys will, considering your wife will probably be resting or recovering from labor) of changing her (and my) first diaper. Here is the irony of the situation, that first diaper is by far one of the worst diapers you will ever change, I mean awful. Like, literally top 5 worst diapers you’ll ever have to deal with.
Now, why is it so terrible? Well, you try not taking a shit for 9 months and tell me how that goes when it’s finally time. On a serious note, it’s actually quite dangerous from a medical perspective if the baby poops in the womb – it would be like you or I trying to survive in the bottom of a porta-potty. So, your kid’s crap is backed up for 9 months, and lucky dad, you will get the experience of dealing with it.
This first shit can be alarming to some, as it will be this really weird, black tar-like substance (called meconium if you’re curious), but don’t worry, perfectly normal. It looks weird and is super sticky, like, literally black tar. I bet that first diaper took me at least 16 baby wipes to clean (a pee diaper usually takes 1 wipe, and a normal poopy diaper usually takes 2-3 wipes for reference), and your child’s first 2 or 3 diapers will be full of this awful black crap. After your kiddo clears that out, it gets much better, but it still isn’t what you normally think of as “poop” (it won’t be for a while actually). The poop transforms from the black tar substance into a mustard seed looking diarrhea. Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘If it looks that awful, what the hell does it smell like?’ Good news here, it doesn’t really smell at all (a quick disclaimer here: our second child had some serious digestive issues as a newborn due to a dairy allergy, so his shit was rank as fuck, but under normal circumstances, most babies have very neutral smelling poop until they start eating solid foods around 4-6 months or so, at which point, their shit starts smelling just like everybody else’s shit).
Also good news, by about your 7th diaper, you’ll be a pro (minus the massive blowouts which will leave you saying: “Holy shit, what do I do?” the first couple of times they happen). One thing to expect though, due to the lack of solid foods, your child’s poop is always going to be runny, and it can get everywhere down there, so you have to be careful. Regarding the actual cleaning part, as long as you make sure you clean all the cracks around their private parts, you’ll be good.
Now, what is standard operating procedure for changing a diaper? Here’s the rundown. Your child will pee or poop or graciously give you a combination of both.
Tip: Cool feature of most disposable diapers is they have an indicator line on the outside of them that changes color once they have peed or pooped themselves. The brand we used had a yellow line that changed to blue on it.
So once it is time, you take them over to the changing table (or lay them on a flat surface) and open it up to see what goodness they’ve made for you. Now, here’s where things can change a bit depending on the sex of your child. If you have a boy, you have to be prepared to close the diaper immediately after opening it because the breeze of cool air on your kid’s junk causes them to pee. It doesn’t happen often, but often enough in the first few months that you should be aware of. If you have a girl, clearly this step doesn’t apply. From here, you move the diaper to the side, but don’t close it up yet. Yes, that’s right, leave it open off to the side. Next, wipe them down. If you got a kid that looks like the Michelin Man, like both of my kids did, you got to make sure every little crack and fold is clean. If you have a girl, this is where your extra step comes in. You want to make sure you always wipe from the top (or front) to bottom (or back), and NOT the other way around. Your daughter could get really sick if you wipe poop up into her private area – hopefully commonsense. After you’ve used the wipes, put them into the old, used diaper you left open earlier, roll it all up (wipes and all, and throw it away.
It may sound like a lot to remember, but don’t worry, you’ll get tons of practice pretty quick. I remember sitting with my good buddy Mike and he asked me how many diapers I changed a day. 3 or 4? That made me laugh. I don’t know what the exact “average” number is, but for the first month, I was changing like 12-15 diapers a day. Babies are just eating and shitting machines. After that, it starts to settle down a bit, maybe 8-10 diapers a day in month two, 6-8 a day in month three, and so forth. But like I said, you’ll be an expert in no time, and it only takes like 30 seconds to change most diapers once you have it down.
Here are a few other things to be aware of that you’re probably not thinking about:
Diaper Pails: Get one. There’s a bunch on the market and from my experience, they all work about the same. None of them are perfect like they’ll have you believe, I mean, 30 or 40 used diapers all sitting in a trash can is going to smell awful no matter what, but they do hold a lot of the smell in. A warning though, when it’s starting to get kind of full, and you open it up to put another used diaper in, you will get a whiff of ass stank for a moment. To the unexpecting, it can wake you up better than a cup of black coffee.
The Changing Table: Think about the height of your changing table. Since you are always changing diapers in those first few months, I would at all costs avoid having to bend over while changing a diaper. Your back will thank you for it, and it was definitely a battle worth fighting with my wife. I’m a taller dude – over 6 feet, so I wanted it as high as possible while my wife could still reach to change a diaper, so we settled on the top of a standard dresser to place it. You will also come to discover that commercial changing tables are stupid expensive. We sort of jerry-rigged a hand-me-down dresser: built a lip around the top of the dresser and dropped a changing pad in. A+. It was cheap, looked good, and was the perfect height for me and my back.
Disposable Diapers vs. Cloth Diapers: So, in case this conversation comes up with your wife, I want to make sure you know there’s a BIG difference.
A disposable diaper is the classic white diaper we all think of, the baby does its business in them, we change them, and we throw them away. Disposable diapers aren’t cheap, however. We’re talking 20-30 cents per diaper (if you can find diapers for about 20 cents apiece, 5 for a buck, you’re doing pretty good). Factor in that you’ll be going through about 12-15 diapers a day at first, and it can add up real quick. Disposable diapers are, however, extremely convenient.
A reusable or cloth diaper is a lot trickier. Your child pees in it, you throw it in a hamper to be washed. But if your child shits in it, it’s a whole different ballgame. You have to dump the poop out in the toilet (a good friend of ours installed a hose attachment to their toilet to help make sure to get all the poop out of the cloth), then the diaper goes in a hamper. Typically, cloth diapers need to go through the washing machine twice before they are ready to go again. Keep in mind, if your kid soils 12 diapers a day, you would probably need about 25-30 of these diapers to make sure you’re only needing to do laundry every other day. Sounds like a pain in the ass, right? Well, there is some upside: the cost is fixed, and in most cases, is a one-time purchase. Some moms swear that cloth diapers help eliminate diaper rash and lessen blowouts, but I can’t speak to this; we are disposable diaper people.
One additional piece of information, and take it or leave it for what it is, but both sets of parents that I know who used cloth diapers either resorted back to disposable diapers for their second child, or halfway through with their first child. I think convenience ultimately wins out, but if your lady wants to use cloth diapers (and we all know that if mama bear ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy), or you’re an environmentally-conscious person, just know that cloth diapers are doable. More difficult, but doable.
“What are the first few nights like?”
The first couple of nights after my daughter was born were spent at the hospital in a small studio apartment-like space with a bathroom. There was a TV, mama in her hospital bed, a small, cushioned slab for me to sleep on, and our baby in a small bin on wheels between us. Nurses would come to check in on both baby and mama periodically, and even helped out with teaching how to swaddle, ensuring the baby had a proper latch, and how to hold the baby correctly. I mean, you get pudding, cookies, juice, fruit snacks, soda, etc. just down the hall. Easy peasy, right?
Now let me back up a bit for a moment. Before I continue, I need to mention that my wife and I felt pretty prepared to have a kid. I mean, she bought countless books and we took three separate classes offered by the hospital ranging from breastfeeding to caring for an infant in preparation for our daughter’s birth. Though I’m not sure if anything could have helped us in what we were about to face.
It was the morning of day three in the hospital and the staff informed us that we would be discharged in the coming hours. My wife and I looked at each other, exchanging the ‘we can’t fucking go home yet!’ facial expressions, and I even asked the hospital to let us stay one more night. This, of course, didn’t work and several hours later, we were officially on our own.
We packed up and placed our little daughter into her car seat (a car seat is like the only thing you need to leave the hospital. Oh, and don’t worry, your hospital should have somebody – a certified staff member or a local fire department chief who will help you install your car seat base properly in your vehicle if you didn’t already do this prior to labor; more on car seats later) and off we went out of the hospital doors. I remember it snowed that day and the drive home took us about a half-hour in what would normally take ten minutes during rush hour. It is nerve-wracking driving with your kiddo the first few times, but don’t worry, in time you will come to realize that your baby is just fine back there.
So we got home, walked in, and placed our daughter (who was sleeping in her car seat) in the middle of the living room floor. It wasn’t but a second later that my wife and I both wondered: ‘What the hell are we supposed to do now ?’ Over the next hour, we were a WWE tag team. While one of us stared at our daughter in her car seat, the other would get to go to the bathroom or change clothes or eat, and then tag the other to switch.
Inevitably, however, the baby woke up and then it was game on. My wife was quick to remind me not to panic, as we did all that we could do to prepare for that moment. So, we followed all of the little tips and tricks we had learned from books or classes, and things seemed to be going really smoothly. We swaddled the baby nice and tight, gave her some boob time, read her first bedtime story, turned on some white noise, and fortunately, she fell back to sleep. That first night at home, she woke up one time at about 2 am, and then again at 7 am. Now I don’t know if that was a result of our parenting skills or just dumb luck on my wife and I’s part, but the fact that a newborn slept two 4-5 hour stretches is not very common. The next morning, both my wife and I felt great! We were rested and walking around the house fist bumping like our shit don’t stink. Thinking to ourselves: ‘this parenting thing is easy and we are bomb-ass parents.’
Tip: There is a great book titled “The Happiest Baby on the Block” by Harvey Karp that recommends the “5 S’s”: Swaddle, Swing, Stomach/Side, Shhhs, and Sucking. Basically, the 5 S’s are ways to calm or soothe a crying baby. Swaddling is something that is super handy and you will become a pro at wrapping your baby up in no time. I really think of swinging as “rocking” your baby back and forth. Of course, your newborn is too young to be left on their stomach or side, but you can hold them on their stomach or side (both of my kids loved being held face down in my arms). Shhhsing is referring to the Shhh sound you make, creating soothing white noise. Finally, sucking is most likely a pacifier, but a finger or boob work just as well (Keep in mind you will not use a pacifier until breastfeeding is well-established, generally two or three weeks into your baby’s life).
But boy oh boy, we were in for a rude awakening (pun intended) that second night. It was getting close to bedtime, so of course, we did everything the same as the first night, same by the book tips and tricks, and it turned out being one of the worst nights as parents we have ever had (even to this day). Our daughter cried the whole night, and I’m not talking some wimpy ass pouting, I’m talking top of her little lungs type crying that you see in the movies.
Throughout the night, we called the nurse’s hotline multiple times, trying to figure out what the hell to do. Between the three of us, there was probably only about 45 minutes of total sleep, and not good sleep, that shitty, not even sure if you’re really asleep sleep. I’m pretty sure all three of us cried at some point that night. So what the hell happened between the first night at home and the second?
Well, I guess one of the major issues for moms who are breastfeeding is on about night 3 or 4 (usually night 1 or 2 away from the hospital), mom’s milk “comes in”. I know what you are thinking, “comes in? What the hell does that mean?” The common perception is that when the baby is born, the mom is ready to roll and she’s just leaking and spraying milk out of her boobs everywhere. Well, that’s not the case. For the first couple of days after the baby is born, the breastmilk is this super nutrient substance called colostrum. Since babies have such small stomachs at first, this colostrum is like a boob milkshake of goodness with absolutely everything that the baby needs. However, day 3 or 4 rolls around, and the colostrum transitions to what one would normally think of as milk. This transition doesn’t just happen though, it takes some time, so they say the day that your baby mama’s milk comes in is one of the toughest for the baby because during this transition, boobies are not spraying any milk and the little one is hungry as fuck. The result? Crying…lots of awful crying that you can’t do anything about. The result of that? There are absolutely no zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s to be found for anybody.
So when calling the nurses line asking what we should do, one of the nurse’s tips was to “use a warm compress or have your wife take a hot shower to help her breasts let the milk down inside.” So my wife hops into the shower and later in the conversation, the nurse stressed: “above all else, tell your wife to relax.” So I kindly tell my wife to “relax”. Upon this recommendation, my wife erupted: “Relax? RELAX? Do you hear our baby? How the fuck am I supposed to relax?” The nurse also shared another tip, and I know it’s going to sound strange, but I shit you not, she told me to take some diapers, fill them with some water, put them in the microwave for 15 seconds, and then wrap them around my wife’s boobs. Supposedly they will act as heat packs of sorts to continue encouraging the breastmilk to let down.
I vividly remember it was like 3:30 in the morning, I hadn’t slept a wink yet, I just got done microwaving diapers, my wife was sitting on our bed with diapers wrapped around both boobs, our daughter is still crying bloody murder in the background, and at this moment, I realized: Oh shit, parenting is real as fuck.
“How do you handle visitors?”
So the baby is finally born and everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY – all of your friends and family) is excited to meet them, so how do you manage all of the people who want to come visit you right away while you, yourself, are trying to get adjusted to a whole new life? Well, one of the very first bits of advice I can give is to limit the friends and family from visiting for those first few days (or the first week) after your baby is born to give you important bonding time with your child. After those first couple of days, you will be ready for some breaks.
Now one of the themes that you’ll see come up a few times throughout this book is the fact that some people “get it”, and some people don’t.
This will be your first exposure to your friends without kids (aka the ones who don’t get it). : homie, get the fuck out of here, I need to take a damn nap while I can!
Then, you will have friends who have kids and “who get it” and they will bring you food and beer and only hang around for 5 minutes because they realize you need peace and quiet.
When it comes to family or close friends, they are going to hang around for a while every time they visit no matter what, so you gotta deal with them a whole different way. So to prep you for the visitors – both friends and family – let me give you some advice for your own sanity.
First, none of the visitors, and I mean NONE, are there to see you; everyone is there to see the baby. I think it’s natural for us to feel the need to entertain visitors whenever they are in your home, but under this specific circumstance, you are off the hook. It took me until about the third or fourth visitor when I was too tired to entertain and finally realized that visitors didn’t expect me to entertain. Instead, take advantage of visitors, when they show up, you need to say: Peace! It’s time for a break, get out of the house, workout, drink a beer, watch some tv, or take a nap. They won’t be offended, trust me. And actually, it’ll make them feel like they are “helping out”. So when visitors show up, Daddy gets a break!
My second piece of advice has to do with food. My wife and I made a rule: “If you want to meet the baby, you have to bring some sort of food.” The first month is all about survival and the less cooking you have to do, the better. So when people wanted to visit us, we would have them bring us food…Chick-fil-a, Taco Bell, pizza, Jimmy Johns, you name it, we weren’t picky. We ate it. My in-laws even brought us some frozen meals that we just had to pop in the oven which was clutch. Some of my friends brought us bagels and cream cheese, which was awesome because people usually bring you dinner stuff, so anything breakfast related was very helpful.
So the key to visitors is to view them as a resource. Have them bring you food and when they show up, put them to work. Do not be afraid to ask visitors to help. It will make them feel good and will make your life much easier. Also, there will be a point in time where you will need a break. Visitors are a great way to help with this. Many times, I would coordinate with one of my wife’s friends to come over so I could get away for a few hours. If you play them right, visitors can make life a whole lot easier.
Tip: You can’t always rely on friends and family to bring you food during that first month, so another recommendation would be to have a few good go-to delivery options ready to go. In total, I bet we cooked less than 10 times in that first month because of our visitors, and it helped out a lot more than you would think.
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